I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
