I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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