why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
