I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize