You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
