Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
