Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
