he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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