If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
