96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
