He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
