I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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