you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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