Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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