I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
