If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This is my gift to your gina
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
