Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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