please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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