I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
