I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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