Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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