I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
