My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
