it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
