I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
