so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
