She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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