Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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