Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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