I puked a lego.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
