Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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