u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize