These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
