I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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