the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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