Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
