I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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