9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
