She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
