My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How's work?
Spinning.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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