Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sext me about skeletons
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize