so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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