i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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