a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
