There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
