hotel room ftw
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
