Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
this hospital has no fireball
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
