Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
