Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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