she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
