Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
