but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Farmville is her only friend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
