Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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