I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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