Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
