if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize