On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
