I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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