matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
