i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
