I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
