Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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