I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
