i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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